L'appel du Vide
The Call of the Void & Tricks of the Mind
As my trip to Chamonix comes to a close this week, I’m reminded of what brought me here. Like almost any relationship of cause and effect, it’s almost impossible to tell where one ends and the other begins. Was it Ian and Andrew talking about their trip to France during our Denali expedition last summer? Was it the call of any aspiring alpinist to come here and cut their teeth? Was it the first time I walked into a climbing gym some 17 years ago? I would say yes, yes, and yes. But that’s not the whole story.
Somewhere around a year and a half ago, I started to trick myself in thought, something I have noticed I am very good at and have been doing since around seven years of age (more on that later). I italicized the word trick to reverse its meaning. Usually reserved for malicious or mischievous intent, I have always used it in a positive light. At seven, I tricked myself into believing that the monsters couldn’t hurt me if I was breathing. I’d focus on my breath and create an imaginary force-field, something I find that happens to me instinctually to this day in times of intense danger, duress, or decision making. Calm, focused, breathing... But, I digress, this time it was a trick of time, yet another trick of the mind.
I have started to think of my life in summer and winter seasons until I’m 50. I don’t know why I chose 50 other than a goal close to midlife, some may say old age at this point, but that’s neither here nor there. Let me explain; I’m 37 years old, my birthday is Christmas Eve. As of right now, I have 13 years until I am 50, 13 summers and 12 winters (since this winter has now passed). Think about that for a second, maybe even try it out for yourself. How many summers do you have? How many winters? The realization shook me to the core, it showed me emphatically that I won’t live forever, and that if I want to do something, I need to do it now. Time never stops and yours too is running out.
There is only so long that each of us have to do the things we’ve always dreamed of. For me, to be able to run in the hills, to climb the most technical mountains in the world, to travel, to breathe in the fresh air of life and love without limitation. That little thought problem, that little trick of the mind, made me go for it. It gave me the push I needed to book a trip to a place I’ve never been without knowing if anyone would join me.
Now I know that life doesn’t end at 50, but for me it was a good starting point to show, yet again, the finite-ness of life and a benchmark beyond which I might not be able to push my mind and body to their breaking points. Something that I’ve been doing since I can remember. What happens if I make it to 50? Well for one I’ll probably celebrate, I’ll probably look back and say, “damn I really did go for it”, at least that’s what I hope. Then? Then I’ll take a breath and trick myself into something else, “9 summers till I’m 60”.
And another day begins…
I feared I had lost touch with you when you left Facebook. Denis and I were friends for several years at and before Coulee Gap, although I was not much of a friend in his final years. Your old man was an artist. I've been county summers too--one before my eightieth birthday. Although I loved the Medicine bow Wyoming "mountains," I given up most physical activity in the wake of a torn achilles, bladder cancer and a stroke. the exercise I got hurt on was call mountain climbers. Hated it and know I know why. I'm subscribed and I will get Mountain Talk at my email address. I think Denis would be proud of the man you've become. Mountains Beyond Mountains--Tracy Kidder. Peace love and rock n roll. John hofheimer